luv.
okay, so i'm going to rant a little bit here, and i apologize in advance for that. but i think this will be positive ranting (is that even possible?) & not a downer. i hope - we'll see how this goes...
so, lately i've been thinking about the L word. no, perv, not the showtime lesbian extravaganza tv series but (gulp) l-o-v-e. see, it's hard for me to even type the word. those of you who know me are well aware of why this is such a precarious topic for me, but don't get all excited and thinking that i'm in love again, because dudes, i'm not. sorrrrry! BUT, yes, ALL CAPS, i think i can safely say that i'm not the love-cursing bitter old woman that i was just one short year ago - hell, even just six months ago. i think i'm finally over it (no need to get into the gory details here), and i can say that with a great deal of confidence. and dammit if that doesn't feel so eff'n good. (insert collective "finally" here!)
so what's the point, right? well, i've been thinking about this alot actually, and have had multiple conversations with a myriad of people over the past few months about relationships, and have witnessed friends begin new ones, end old ones, & desperately try to find someone to even entertain the idea of having one with them. and a particular conversation with a friend that shall remain nameless got me thinking - why is this such a big deal? i mean, we can say that we're happy with our lives - our careers, friends, family, hobbies, etc. but why does it more often than not come back to being in love? why is this the deal breaker? wtf!
i don't have an answer, but i'll paraphrase my conversation with 'nameless friend' - this is totally based on my experience & basically the past few years of my doomed-relationship life. said friend is in awe of what he/she calls my amazing, resilient attitude toward love. they can't fathom how i've been through all that "love" (we'll use quotes here, b/c the use of this term in some situations is questionable!) has handed me - and that i still want more. but i'm a hopeless romantic and i explained to them that i can't give up on the idea that i can be in love with someone again & that they can be in love with me. i like having a boyfriend, but don't get me wrong, i'm not miserable without one. i have fan-freakin-tastic friends & an awesome family - and i don't discount or minimize the effect that their love has on me. i do feel loved, i'm not pathetic - yet. i just know myself, and i know that i like being in love. duh! but it's been a long, hard process to get to this point from what i deem "the bottom" and if you would've asked me to share my opinion on this a year ago it wouldn't have been so pretty & optimistic...
i think that, and i am kicking myself for saying this as i write, my last relationship was sort of a blessing in disguise. crap! why didn't i see that back when i was a sad, miserable mess?!? damn these 'life lessons'! but i feel like i've grown so incredibly much from the experience & maybe being bitter & out of the game for so long was good for me? i dunno, time will tell - if i start dating another a-hole, i want someone to remind me of my newfound 'clarity'!
i'm still working on the whole "what do i want?" thing though, and i know that the kinks aren't worked out in that arena. there's what a need & what i want - and i'm still not so sure that what i need is what i want just yet...i find it incredible that i can surround myself with such awesome, caring, positive male role models/friends and yet i can't find/be attracted to a nice guy! i obviously know how to spot the nice guys, 'cause they're my friends & i love them...this is so perplexing to me!
so, i guess i just wanted to get all of this out there & not inside of me where it's been for the past few days (weeks, months, years!). again, i apologize for the abrupt personal-ness of this post - i promise to write something more comical, witty, & music-centric soon...
so, lately i've been thinking about the L word. no, perv, not the showtime lesbian extravaganza tv series but (gulp) l-o-v-e. see, it's hard for me to even type the word. those of you who know me are well aware of why this is such a precarious topic for me, but don't get all excited and thinking that i'm in love again, because dudes, i'm not. sorrrrry! BUT, yes, ALL CAPS, i think i can safely say that i'm not the love-cursing bitter old woman that i was just one short year ago - hell, even just six months ago. i think i'm finally over it (no need to get into the gory details here), and i can say that with a great deal of confidence. and dammit if that doesn't feel so eff'n good. (insert collective "finally" here!)
so what's the point, right? well, i've been thinking about this alot actually, and have had multiple conversations with a myriad of people over the past few months about relationships, and have witnessed friends begin new ones, end old ones, & desperately try to find someone to even entertain the idea of having one with them. and a particular conversation with a friend that shall remain nameless got me thinking - why is this such a big deal? i mean, we can say that we're happy with our lives - our careers, friends, family, hobbies, etc. but why does it more often than not come back to being in love? why is this the deal breaker? wtf!
i don't have an answer, but i'll paraphrase my conversation with 'nameless friend' - this is totally based on my experience & basically the past few years of my doomed-relationship life. said friend is in awe of what he/she calls my amazing, resilient attitude toward love. they can't fathom how i've been through all that "love" (we'll use quotes here, b/c the use of this term in some situations is questionable!) has handed me - and that i still want more. but i'm a hopeless romantic and i explained to them that i can't give up on the idea that i can be in love with someone again & that they can be in love with me. i like having a boyfriend, but don't get me wrong, i'm not miserable without one. i have fan-freakin-tastic friends & an awesome family - and i don't discount or minimize the effect that their love has on me. i do feel loved, i'm not pathetic - yet. i just know myself, and i know that i like being in love. duh! but it's been a long, hard process to get to this point from what i deem "the bottom" and if you would've asked me to share my opinion on this a year ago it wouldn't have been so pretty & optimistic...
i think that, and i am kicking myself for saying this as i write, my last relationship was sort of a blessing in disguise. crap! why didn't i see that back when i was a sad, miserable mess?!? damn these 'life lessons'! but i feel like i've grown so incredibly much from the experience & maybe being bitter & out of the game for so long was good for me? i dunno, time will tell - if i start dating another a-hole, i want someone to remind me of my newfound 'clarity'!
i'm still working on the whole "what do i want?" thing though, and i know that the kinks aren't worked out in that arena. there's what a need & what i want - and i'm still not so sure that what i need is what i want just yet...i find it incredible that i can surround myself with such awesome, caring, positive male role models/friends and yet i can't find/be attracted to a nice guy! i obviously know how to spot the nice guys, 'cause they're my friends & i love them...this is so perplexing to me!
so, i guess i just wanted to get all of this out there & not inside of me where it's been for the past few days (weeks, months, years!). again, i apologize for the abrupt personal-ness of this post - i promise to write something more comical, witty, & music-centric soon...
posted by ali. at 9:22 PM
2 Comments:
Ali and luv: If only we all could understand how truely deeply rooted these two are.
As for the 'nameless friend' with whom you were discussing the more ali centric version of luv... {hmmmm,who could it be?} There is no doubt that awe should be used in describing your resilience towards f'in losers... but, your ability to continue to want luv comes from your ability to love even the slimiest of slugs, not with your ability to overcome heartbreak.
Not 'being in love' will always be a deal breaker because in or out of the game you have a need to share luv in new and challenging ways. (think of this the next time you write your resume and fill out the objective section.)
Oh, yeah.. and until nice boys demand new and challenging ways to be luved... well, you'll search out the lame asses.
here, here. I couldn'tve put it in better words. No..seriously, I wouldn't have been able to. Like physically incapable of being so consisely eloquent and to the point. nice.
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